First Holiday of the Year!

Yeah!... we (me, M and the Skids) are taking a short road trip down the South Coast to a wonderful little place called Jervis Bay http://www.jervisbaytourism.com.au/ and staying in this place http://www.paperbarkcamp.com.au/ . Now I am not usually one for camping ... i prefer the 5star treatment however this place does look pretty cool.

So we have our new DVD player set up in the car which should keep the skids quite (hopefully), the surfboards strapped to the roof, bikinis, shorts, sunscreen and towels all packed and away we go.

See you all when we get back...

Resolutions

OK, OK

I know I have been a bad blogger this past year so my New Years Resolution is to at least post once a week!

Other resolutions... loose 5KG, exercise more, be less stressed, be a more patient step mum and above all.... fall pregnant and deliver a healthy baby.

Happy New Year everyone.... I hope this year for me is better than the last!

Moving forward

I have come to terms with the fact that having a child with my own DNA just isn't gonna happen. So I have started advertising for an egg donor.

I have had a few replies but have been speaking to a wonderful lady who is 'thinking about' donating. She has 2 children who are quite young and a husband who, by the sounds of it can't really understand why she wants to donate her eggs.

Anyway... after a couple of conversations, she is going to see my doctor to go through and get her head around the procedures she would need to go through to donate her eggs. And then if she is comfortable, we are going to meet up and 'go through the logistics'.

Truth is, I am way scared... scared of pinning my hopes on this one person who is 'thinking about it', scared of another failure and scared of the fact that maybe I wont be able to move forward with my life if I don't have a child of my own. Also, like what is the protocol here? Do I leave it for a week before I contact her to see if she has made an appointment. I don't want her to feel that I am hassling her but truth be know, time is of the essence here.

I am 40 and have already dedicated 4 years of my life to this... it is getting boring! So many sacarifices I have made, so many opportunities missed. I know that once I have a healthy baby it will be all worth it but what if I don't.

After reading Sparkles post about positive reinforcement and trying to get in touch with my higher guide, I have been trying to do positive affirmations every where I go but the fact that I have the feeling that this is all going to fail, in the back of my mind scares me silly.

Anyway at least I seem to be moving forward.

Ho Hum

Well after trying to recover from the sad news Monday... and going through the motions of looking for an egg donor (have been searching the internet like crazy), I head to my pilates class. My pilates teacher, a lovely lady who has also had one child from IVF (second attempt) thought she would try again and.. she is pregnant. Now I am really happy for her but it is not the news I really want to hear right now. She is 2 years older than me and from 3 attempts now will have 2 children.

This has now got me thinking as to whether I should do another stimulated cycle. I mean I have already paid for a cycle and would be on it by now if it hadn't been cancelled two months in a row. All these emotions are going through my head. Is it that I am putting off facing the fact that I am NEVER going to have a child with my own DNA? Why does this have to be soooo hard!

so much for the ride

I got PUSHED out of the queue.

Yep - another failed cycle, another part of my heart broken, another down day..

We are now looking into the option of donor eggs...I can't even get on the starting block with my own eggs!

Buying a ticket

This is what I feel like at the moment. I feel like I have just bought a ticket on another rollercoaster ride. I have been on this ride before.. I am anticipating the ups and downs, the highs, the lows. Just wish I could sit back and enjoy the ride.

Started my next natual IVF cycle. First blood test and ultrasound will be next week.

Please please please let this be the one.

Another BFN. Is the Universe trying to tell me something

Thats right another BIG FAT NOTHING.

M and I decided a few months back that we would try one more cycle with my own eggs before we go down the donor path. Well after various setbacks such as a kidney infection, bad back, holiday I finally started this month. After two blood tests and ultrasounds the RE found that I had already ovulated and it wouldn't be worth continuing with the cycle... so this now puts me between a rock and a hard place. Do I wait until next month to finally do my last cycle or is the universe trying to tell me something (like give up on your own eggs and go down the donor path). I am even now re-thinking adoption.

Why is this journey so hard. I look back on the past year and can't really see that there was any joy, I see myself slipping further and further into misery, a black hole that just keeps getting deeper and deeper and I find myself not being able to get out.

I don't want my life to be a life without my own children. That is not an option. So how do I go on. How do I look forward. I am usually a happy person with a great outlook but I just can't seem to get past this dread/fear that this may be my life. This is my world at the moment. I don't think a second goes by without me thinking about a life without my own children.