The journey

First Holiday of the Year!

2007-01-07T06:51:00.000+11:00

Yeah!... we (me, M and the Skids) are taking a short road trip down the South Coast to a wonderful little place called Jervis Bay http://www.jervisbaytourism.com.au/ and staying in this place http://www.paperbarkcamp.com.au/ . Now I am not usually one for camping ... i prefer the 5star treatment however this place does look pretty cool.

So we have our new DVD player set up in the car which should keep the skids quite (hopefully), the surfboards strapped to the roof, bikinis, shorts, sunscreen and towels all packed and away we go.

See you all when we get back...

Resolutions

2006-12-31T12:28:00.000+11:00

OK, OK

I know I have been a bad blogger this past year so my New Years Resolution is to at least post once a week!

Other resolutions... loose 5KG, exercise more, be less stressed, be a more patient step mum and above all.... fall pregnant and deliver a healthy baby.

Happy New Year everyone.... I hope this year for me is better than the last!

Moving forward

2006-11-29T16:44:00.000+11:00

I have come to terms with the fact that having a child with my own DNA just isn't gonna happen. So I have started advertising for an egg donor.

I have had a few replies but have been speaking to a wonderful lady who is 'thinking about' donating. She has 2 children who are quite young and a husband who, by the sounds of it can't really understand why she wants to donate her eggs.

Anyway... after a couple of conversations, she is going to see my doctor to go through and get her head around the procedures she would need to go through to donate her eggs. And then if she is comfortable, we are going to meet up and 'go through the logistics'.

Truth is, I am way scared... scared of pinning my hopes on this one person who is 'thinking about it', scared of another failure and scared of the fact that maybe I wont be able to move forward with my life if I don't have a child of my own. Also, like what is the protocol here? Do I leave it for a week before I contact her to see if she has made an appointment. I don't want her to feel that I am hassling her but truth be know, time is of the essence here.

I am 40 and have already dedicated 4 years of my life to this... it is getting boring! So many sacarifices I have made, so many opportunities missed. I know that once I have a healthy baby it will be all worth it but what if I don't.

After reading Sparkles post about positive reinforcement and trying to get in touch with my higher guide, I have been trying to do positive affirmations every where I go but the fact that I have the feeling that this is all going to fail, in the back of my mind scares me silly.

Anyway at least I seem to be moving forward.

Ho Hum

2006-11-01T19:01:00.000+11:00

Well after trying to recover from the sad news Monday... and going through the motions of looking for an egg donor (have been searching the internet like crazy), I head to my pilates class. My pilates teacher, a lovely lady who has also had one child from IVF (second attempt) thought she would try again and.. she is pregnant. Now I am really happy for her but it is not the news I really want to hear right now. She is 2 years older than me and from 3 attempts now will have 2 children.

This has now got me thinking as to whether I should do another stimulated cycle. I mean I have already paid for a cycle and would be on it by now if it hadn't been cancelled two months in a row. All these emotions are going through my head. Is it that I am putting off facing the fact that I am NEVER going to have a child with my own DNA? Why does this have to be soooo hard!

so much for the ride

2006-10-30T21:24:00.000+11:00

I got PUSHED out of the queue.

Yep - another failed cycle, another part of my heart broken, another down day..

We are now looking into the option of donor eggs...I can't even get on the starting block with my own eggs!

Buying a ticket

2006-10-25T12:08:00.000+10:00

This is what I feel like at the moment. I feel like I have just bought a ticket on another rollercoaster ride. I have been on this ride before.. I am anticipating the ups and downs, the highs, the lows. Just wish I could sit back and enjoy the ride.

Started my next natual IVF cycle. First blood test and ultrasound will be next week.

Please please please let this be the one.

Another BFN. Is the Universe trying to tell me something

2006-10-10T16:53:00.000+10:00

Thats right another BIG FAT NOTHING.

M and I decided a few months back that we would try one more cycle with my own eggs before we go down the donor path. Well after various setbacks such as a kidney infection, bad back, holiday I finally started this month. After two blood tests and ultrasounds the RE found that I had already ovulated and it wouldn't be worth continuing with the cycle... so this now puts me between a rock and a hard place. Do I wait until next month to finally do my last cycle or is the universe trying to tell me something (like give up on your own eggs and go down the donor path). I am even now re-thinking adoption.

Why is this journey so hard. I look back on the past year and can't really see that there was any joy, I see myself slipping further and further into misery, a black hole that just keeps getting deeper and deeper and I find myself not being able to get out.

I don't want my life to be a life without my own children. That is not an option. So how do I go on. How do I look forward. I am usually a happy person with a great outlook but I just can't seem to get past this dread/fear that this may be my life. This is my world at the moment. I don't think a second goes by without me thinking about a life without my own children.

So much for the plan

2006-09-22T20:23:00.000+10:00

Ok so I had a plan... I decided to do one last IVF with my own eggs.... well that is all well and good but where the fuck is my period.

I am a strict 26 - 28 day cycler well not this month I am not... 35 days!!! I can't believe it. At what point do I get some professional help...?

Oh and to top it all off... the twins were born today... so my friend not only got the one scorpio boy she so wanted.. she held off and was induced today to get 2 scorpio boys.. wish I could be more happy for her.

Having a plan

2006-09-15T07:46:00.000+10:00

Isn't it bizarre that the only time these days I feel really good is when I am doing something pro active about my infertility.

We have plans.... after a long talk the other night M and I have decided to do another cycle with our eggs and if it doesn't work, plan on looking at donor options.

An old friend of mine (I'll call him B) and his wife (L) have been through the whole IVF process and were fortunate enough to have a gorgeous son and daughter. They have 2 embryos left over and have approached us to see if we would like to have them... This is such a generous offer however it is not without issues... especially if the cycle works.

We are also looking into donor eggs and have already placed a couple of ads... so fingers crossed, we are making some progress.

Setbacks and insensitivities

2006-09-06T17:37:00.000+10:00

There seems to always be setbacks for me. For example this month I was to start another ICSI cycle but somehow managed to get a urinary tract infection (and no it was not from too much sex!). I had never had one before and boy are they uncomfortable! So after drinking copious amounts of water, cranberry juice and ural together with anti biotics, I finally managed to get rid of it and got the 'all clear' from the doctor the day before I was meant to go in for my blood test and Ultrasound. But oooo nooo that night I did something terrible to my back by opening the dishwasher so then had to go back to the doctor for an anti-inflamatory script and thus devastating my chances of doing a cycle this month.

I was so upset that I broke down in the doctors office and started rambling about how unlucky I am and how much I was wanting to do a cycle this month etc. I was just about to leave when my doctor said "would you like to look at the pictures of my daughter's first birthday party". What the? I can't believe how some people can be so insensitive.

Speaking about insensitive - last New Year's eve we went out with a group of friends. All mothers of course. One of the girls was very upset that she hadn't conceived that month. She actually had convinced her husband for another child. This would mean that it would be their 4th child. Then she said "o well it doesn't matter as I would really like a scorpio boy anyway". This is one month after I had my miscarriage that had taken over 2 years to conceive. Well it turns out that she fell pregnant the following month and is going to have Scorpio TWINS making them have a total of 5 children. Needless to say we have not seen these friends over the past 7 months. I just can't bring myself to do it. She even mentioned over the phone to M that she was annoyed that I didn't even ring to congratulate her on her 'babies'.

Well if that makes me a bad person - I don't care!

Long time no post

2006-08-25T16:23:00.000+10:00

Well after a little prompting from Sparkle http://sparklesinfertility.blogspot.com/. I have decided to ressurect this blog. I can't believe it has been 9 months since I last posted. Actually I initially started this blog before my last and only successful cycle which ended in a miscarriage so I hope the same misfortune does not befall me again.

In the past nine months I have been to an adoption seminar, done another ICSI (unsuccesful),
gone to china, visited an orphanage in China, decided (for the moment) against adoption (will go into that later), turned 40, gone on a 6 week european holiday with my in laws and step children, got a part time job, dislocated my knee, been offered two embryos from friends (more about that later) and now gearing up for another IVF cycle. Phew.. hard to believe I packed all of that in.

That is all for now and I hope it doesn't take me another nine months to post again.

Feeling Old - approaching 40 and infertile

2005-11-25T16:07:00.000+11:00

Yesterday I went to the Dentist for my 6 monthly check up and was told that my teeth were aging as they were getting yellower. Could cope with that as there was a solution - teeth whitener.

After my dental appointment went to the optometrist to get my eyes tested and was told that my lenses were hardening and I needed to wear glasses. I am doing that back and forward motion thing when trying to read a menu or book. Just like my mother used to do and how did I tease her.

Then went to get some new foundation makeup - the lady behind the counter suggested I try a different product this time.... one for more mature skin!

Today went to the hairdresser to get my roots touched up (I was a natural blonde) to be told that I have started to get grey hairs.

The final straw for my was 5 minutes ago when I noticed a GREY PUBIC HAIR....its official I am getting old.

This is all made far worse for me due to my recent M/C and my R/E suggesting that my eggs are not as good as they used to be.

I have 6 months to go until I am 40! I can't believe I will be turning 40 soon. I remember when my mum and dad had their 40th birthdays - I was in my teens and here I am trying to have a child of my own.

The good news of the day was that we are finally locked into a DOCs 2 day seminar which is costing us $500. We will be attending in February - Yeah

Shit Shit Shit

2005-11-24T17:28:00.000+11:00

DH just came home and told me that one of the girls in his office announced her pregnancy today!

She didn't even want a baby.

She had broken up with her boyfriend and, apparantly they had got back together for one night and that is when she fell.

Now I will have to put up with her happy news at the Xmas party which is when we were going to announce our happy news.

Why Why Why just when I was starting to get my life back together again.

Must read blog

2005-11-18T10:39:00.000+11:00

I know, I know, 3 postings in one day. You would think I had better things to do but I have just come across this wonderful person who is volunteering as a child care worker in China. For any of you considering adopting from China, this is a great blog

http://chinacarechronicle.blogspot.com/

In rememberance

2005-11-18T08:24:00.000+11:00

In remberance of my little one lost, my mother is buying me a fruit tree and my darling husband is getting a little star with a diamond in the middle of it made up for me so I can put on my bracelet and always have the little one near to me.

Feeling better - well sort of

2005-11-18T08:14:00.000+11:00

Well today I am feeling a little better (well sort of as I am a little hungover)... I wonder how long the good feeling will last.

Last night M and I went out to dinner - it was a work do for him. I didn't know if I was ready to face the world just yet but after a few chardys everthing was fine. During my 7 weeks of pregnancy I didn't touch a drop of wine so it only took me a couple of glasses last night to feel the effects and wow am I paying for it this morning.

It is a beautiful day here today and I feel it is time for me to get motivated. I am 39 years old and wallowing - I wont let our infertility get the better of me. I need to be happy, heck I WANT to be happy. It is not right to be wallowing and depressed. I have been like this for the whole of this year and for half of the year before that. It is not right. I want to feel free and happy and relaxed instead of stressed and tired. I want my body back. I want to feel healthy. And it is for these reasons alone that I have decided that as of Monday I will be going on a week detox, I will be doing yoga, I will be participating in life.

Trials and tribulations of being a step mother

2005-11-14T08:11:00.000+11:00

We have joint custody of the Skids so they have seen me very very upset and in bed in pain for most of last week.

Obviously they go home to their mum's and tell her all about it.

DH rang his EX last week to ask her to have the kids on Thurs and Fri nights which is when we were supposed to have them but I could not see them. I was in no frame of mind to have them around me as I was so desparately upset. When he rang his ex he started crying and she said "Susie's PG isn't she" and so he told her the whole story. I was a little p*ss*d off at that as I didn't want her to know about my business. I didn't want her to know we were trying.

Anyway we had the skids over on Saturday and DH and I decided that we were going to tell them that I was PG but the Baby had died. We felt it was important for them to understand our grief and to understand about life and death. They are 6 and 1/2 and 10 years old but are pretty mature kids. My 6 1/2 YO DSD was upset for me and the 10 YO DSS didn't know what to do as DH and I were in tears when we told them.

It was our 1st year wedding anniversary yesterday and DH took me out to lunch at the restaurant we were married in. It was a really really tough day and to top it all off the the EX rang DH last night and abused him about us telling the kids. Leaving a message saying that they were too young to process the info etc, etc. I am furious. How dare she call and leave that kind of message at this time. DH wouldn't tell me the whole content as he did not want to upset me further but I could hear snippets of the message.

I know for a fact that she has turned this around for her own benefit yet again, playing the victim of a mother who now has to deal with upset kids. WTF - here we are greiving for a child we wont have and all she is concerned about is the fact we told the kids the truth! So what if they are upset... we are upset...we are a family. We don't ring her up every time she has a new boyfriend and the kids are withdrawn and confused at her behaviour!

Life is so cruel.

I can't believe this is happening to me.

I feel as if I am in my worst nightmare and I can't wake up.

At times like this it is so hard being a step mum because here I am looking after someone elses children and not being able to have children of my own. Being a step mum I mix in a world of mothers and their children and have to smile and go through the motions while suffering this grief and pain. I don't want to go out and face all of those PG women and women with their kids but I know life goes on and I know I will have to try and get out of my Pjs, have a shower and face the world.

I know tomorrow will be another day and I will have to pick them up from school, take them to their swimming lesson, cook them dinner, bath them, read them their bedtime story and tuck them into bed. I know life goes on but at the moment I wish it would go on without me.

I can't believe that the majority of our infertility lays on DH's shoulders as he had a vasectomy. I can't believe he is not going through the grief that I am experiencing because he has 2 children.

I can't believe that I am the one suffering physically because he made the decision to have the vasectomy at his EX's constant pressure while she was having an affair.

I can't believe that the EX who is such a b*tch has 2 beautiful children and I am left to feel this way.

I can't believe that I was at the point of dealing with my infertility and going through the process of adopting and feeling good about it then life throws me the curveball of being PG and now I am stuck in no mans land. I want to try again but don't know if I could cope with the anxiety and suffering!

I am at my lowest low.

Life sucks

Our Anniversary

2005-11-13T07:35:00.000+11:00

Today is our 1 year wedding anniversary...

To think one year ago today I was so happy to be marrying the man of my dreams and today I am sitting here very depressed that I have lost my baby that I have been longing to have.

Life is so unfair.

Another Day

2005-11-12T08:44:00.000+11:00

Well it is another day...

After having my curette postponed until 4.30pm yesterday afternoon (was supposed to be 12.30pm) so having fasted from 7.30am that morning I was not in a very good mood.

Operation went well from a physical point of view but am feeling so dam sad.

Being a stepmum, I am in a world of mothers and their children, pregnant women and babies. Sometimes I feel suffocated by the whole thing.

DH is on his way to pick up his kids who we have for the day and we are going to tell them what happened. I guess at 6 and 10 years old they need to understand life...(to be continued)

DH just arrived...

Well we just told the kids my 6 year old step daughter was really upset to see me upset. It has been so hard for them seeing me in bed for the last week. She would just love to have a younger brother or sister.

My life now has returned to laundry, packing and unpacking the dishwasher and cooking... I need a plan. Before my pregnancy I was all ready to come to terms with our infertility and was excited by the prospect of adopting and now it all is so confusing because now I have hope so it is worse than before because before I had infertility and now I have "what if". It took us 18 months to fall PG, I am 39!!!!

I'm out

2005-11-10T12:15:00.000+11:00

Life sucks

Ultrasound today showed an embryo but no heartbeat....having curette tomorrow

What can I say

3 weeks catch up

2005-11-09T12:25:00.000+11:00

I hate my life...heres why

Spent most of my life trying to find a loving partner
At 36 found a loving partner but was divorced...with children...had vasectomy
"Don't worry" he says "it can be reversed"
Got reversal, paid a fortune, Dr who did reversal said all was OK
So we tried...and tried
Went to GP to get advice which was keep trying for a year
So we tried...and tried.. I quit my job
Went back to reversal Dr who said - "it must be you"
So found a gyno and got a lap
Finally persuaded husband to get a sperm test and low and behold he has antibodies. Good thing I got the lap (yeah right)
Got referral to Fertility specialist (after 1 year)
Went through 18 months and 4 cycles of IVF
Signed up for adoption (another long wait) but what the heck time is running out

Was doing my last cycle when Finally got a BFP on 17 October!!
Booked in with GP who I found out was on Maternity Leave
Had to see another GP who suggested I get weekly Blood tests
Got 1st Blood test and after inexperienced nurses poked around in my arms everything was OK
2nd week decided not to get BT as was feeling a little calmer
3rd week started bleeding
Got an ultra sound (7 weeks at this stage)
Saw a heartbeat...(feeling real for me now - even though still bleeding)
Next day saw OB/GYN who said "well your boobs feel as if you are PG", "make sure you get plenty of rest"
That night bled and bled and bled. Had the most excrutiating pains and think my 7 week 2 day embryo ended up in the toilet

So today, here I sit, life still goes along around me...DH went to work this morning, animals still needed feeding, it is my step daughters concert tonight and I am still bleeding.

I am still in my pjs now waiting for another scan on Friday which will finally tell me if my little one survived the bleeding or ended up in the toilet.

I have no job..my life for the last 2 years has been all about having kids.

Where do I go from here. I am still waiting for some contact re the adoption but maybe.. just maybe the universe is telling me that I am not meant to be a mother.

So what else can I do.......

Blood test

2005-10-17T11:33:00.000+10:00

Beta blood test this morning at 7am.

Couldn't sleep a wink last night. Still no signs of AF. Took two HPT and both had a faint +ve line. Please please please let this be the one.

Only 4 hours to go for results... I am going insane. Got to keep busy.. got to keep busy.

Not again

2005-10-11T09:18:00.000+10:00

Some how I know deep that this IVF cycle is not the one for me. Bummer! I just have started to get that PMT headache and tension. Why why why will this not work for me. Or maybe it is a higher power that is in force - maybe I am meant to adopt. Even that is another long and up and down process or maybe I should just give up on it all and be happy being childless - gosh even when I write that it makes me depressed. I just can't imagine my life without children - it is not going to happen. I (we) have so much to give. I know my need is much stronger than that of DH as he already has two children of his own.

I have just spent the last two hours reading other women's blogs about infertiliy, adoption, where to go to from here and I must say it is nice to know that I am not alone in this journey of infertility.

6 more days until beta

Things to fill up the 2WW

2005-10-09T10:08:00.000+10:00

Well, I am officially in the 2 week wait. Today is the 10th and I have a blood test (all going well) on the 17th. I hope so much that this time around is a success. I am analysing every twinge, tweek and pain and hope that AF is not around the corner.

Skids went back to their mum today although am picking them up from School tomorrow - another school holiday break over! Next one will be christmas. Subsequently Dh is taking me to lunch and then the garden centre to buy some herbs and veges for the new garden I am planting. It is so weird - I have never planted a thing in my life and my idea of gardening is hosing the garden and now I am pestering DH to take me to the centre.

DH doing plans for the new house and we meet the architect on Monday - Yeah. It will be about a year before we get started and then about 6 - 8 months to complete but at least we have the ball rolling and it gives me something to do - looking through all the house and garden magazines.

Now what else can I do to survive the 2 WW?

Still in my PJ's

2005-10-05T18:25:00.000+10:00

Well it is now 6.30pm in the evening and I have a little embryo on board. All very exciting. Apparantly it was a grade 1 embryo that was developing quite nicely. So hopefully it is nestling into me. It looked gorgeous to me.

Husband and step children have gone away and I am enjoying the peace and solitude with my dog and cat however, I am STILL in my PJ's!

I thought I would list the 10 things I love about not working...
1. Being able to be in my PJ's all day if I want to
2. Watching Dr Phil
3. Watching Oprah
4. Planning my day and then unplanning it if I want without upsetting anyone
5. Being able to spend a couple of hours a day on the computer
6. Golf
7. Going to the beautician during the day
8. Spending time with my animals
9. Being able to browse through cooking magazines
10. Cooking

The call

2005-10-04T09:03:00.000+10:00

Well I am sitting here in my PJ's. It is 9am and I am waiting for 9.31am so I can ring the clinic and see if my little egglet (new name) has survived so I can transfer this afternoon.

I hate these days... so stressfull. Trying to be positive, trying to be a realist. Having lots of back up plans in the back of my head. So which one will it be? Keeping busy. Have already fed the animals, fed me, done the washing, unpacked the dishwasher, made the bed, practised piano, called 2 friends and it is now 9.06am. Gosh 30 minutes to go and not much more else to do other than catch up on all my favourite blogs and post myself.

Please, please, please let this embie survive...

The ups and the downs

2005-10-02T11:11:00.000+10:00

Isn't it funny how up and down life can be!

Yesterday I went in to day surgery to get my one little egg taken out of me and then fertilised with my husband's sperm. It was a stressfull day as we did not know if there would be an egg at all! And it was a good looking egg I must say.

This morning I rang at 9.35am to see how my little egg went and was so nervous but - It survived the night and fertilised. Now I have to wait on tender hooks for 2 more days to see if it will divide and divide. I am secretly hopefull that I will make it to transfer. What a different day my day would have been if it didn't survive the night and what a different month my month will be if it doesn't survive to transfer.

Please please keep fighting little one.

Whats happening with my ovaries

2005-09-30T11:16:00.000+10:00

Well yesterday was told that I had to take my trigger injection that evening at 10pm, but had to take ANOTHER BLOODY blood test - o when will this end. So on top of everything had to ring my sister in law who is a nurse to ask her for her advice. Unfortunately she can't take blood but a friend of my husband's who lives down the road could. So this lovely lady had to trudge up to our house at 9.30pm last night to draw blood from my sad and sorry looking veins.

This morning at 6am had to drive into town to deposit my little vial of blood. Hopefully all is OK and we can go ahead with my egg pickup on Saturday. Fingers and toes are all tightly crossed.

On the adoption front - I sent away the EOI (expression of Interest forms) yesterday. Gave them a big kiss and put them in the letterbox.

We are still deciding on the country. China is a front runner for me, but DH is swaying to the South American Countries but they are a longer wait.

Am off to don my gardening clothes. For those that know me would be laughing at the fact that I am gardening. My idea of gardening is usually hosing. O well mum is bringing me a whole heap of herbs and I can't wait to pop out the back door to pick fresh herbs from my very own garden. I just have to hope that my dog wont dig them out.

Its not my day!

2005-09-29T11:57:00.000+10:00

Do you ever have one of THOSE days! Well yesterday was one for me. It started at 3AM when my dog decided to bark at who knows what! Finally got back to sleep then my husband's alarm went off at 5AM! Seeing as I had to get up at 6, I got up anyway. Had to travel to the IVF clinic for my 4th blood test and ultra sound in a row.. managed to get their just in time after having a flat tyre. Then got the rooky nurse who took 3 goes to try and get blook UGHK! Finally after me having a tearfull fit and many requests to be put onto a supervisor.. (something which I never do as I usually suck it up) I finally got some blood taken.

Got home to find the dog had gotten into the bin - rubbish all over the garden! Then had to knuckle down and prepare dinner for 8 people, clean the house, get food organised, feed animals etc etc. Couldn't even have a drink due to my IVF cycle.

Thank God - a new day is here today.

Couldn't quite work out the photo thing yesterday.. so here is my little Tashi in the tree. She is poking her tongue out at me!

How time flies

2005-09-26T17:19:00.000+10:00

Gosh - I can't believe it is almost a month since I last posted..and so much has happened. Karen and Scott have adopted their baby daughter Gwen from China. I have kept up with their events every day. I am addicted to their blog. For those of you interested go to www.journeytogwen.blogspot.com what a journey they have had.

In the past month I have taken my husband away for a 4 day break and have signed up to do another IVF. This time I am going a la naturale/drug free yipeee. The only downer is that I have to do vaginal ultrasounds and blood tests every day (ouch).

Well the step kids (or Skids as I call them) are on their school break and they are spending the first week with their mum. It feels like I am on holiday yipeee!

Am posting a picture of my cute cat. She loves climbing trees. Actually my stepson loves climbing trees and they love to climb trees together.

Day One

2005-08-26T14:38:00.000+10:00

The first step to journaling my life...

Well, I thought I was clever yesterday when I set up a blog but today I couldn't find it so I had to set up a new one.

So I will keep this post short in case I loose it again..

Until tomorrow